After months of just not understanding what the deal was with him, I
got fed up. I just couldn’t take the unexplained bouts of silence
anymore. Or rather the unexplained bouts of vagueness. A few months
passed, I was happy, busy, properly courted by a few men my age, and
amused by the usual twentysomethings who buzzed around. I’d ended
three long-term loving relationships and remained focused on
introspection and finding just one.
One evening I was with co-workers and peers. We hit the pub after
work.
There he was, at the bar chatting with the bartender and a few others.
My heart stopped and then I felt a tinge of fear. I know I react to
him, a lot and I suddenly felt self-conscious. I didn’t want to let on
that I was surprised or excited to see him. I avoided missing a beat
in the conversation but it was too late. Even though I am fed up with
him, mad even, he had captivated me again. Why? I have searched my
soul long and hard to understand how he captivates me so and it’s not
the drool factor, I mean he is handsome but quite stern. I’ve told
myself again and again “Let him go! Whatever he does to you it’s
unintentional. He has never come through on any of his declared
intentions or plans!”
I continued to chat with my friends figuring that he would either not
notice me or stay away if he did. I eventually decided to hit the
restroom. When I came out he was standing right there.
“Hey…” he said.
I thought, whoa, what a line. The communication from him had gotten
quite progressively lame. I mean it can’t get more lame than “Hey…”
and I wondered how many beers he had had so far.
“Surprised to see you here of all places. I mean you know it’s my
friend’s place…” He continued with tidbits about renovations and
bla, bla, bla…
“Not my choice.” I cut him off.
I sensed he was going into the nervous random loop which is what he
does to fill the air with silly conversational randomness and
gesticular humor. After, however briefly, experiencing the
intellectual, direct, deep and sensual Casey, that was just impossible
to bear. It reminds me of a few times where he behaved like a total
asshole on the phone. I always regretted not specifically pointing out
to him when he was being inappropriate with me, because he sure liked
to accuse me of being inappropriate with him. I guess it didn’t take
me much to just lose it…
“You know… I feel silly for ever saying thank you to you because
anything you ever brought to my life was inadvertent and
unintentional. You have never acted on anything that you put forth as
a plan for us and all that you said you were about is complete
bullshit. You only react when I point to something you feel is
negative about you. In fact I can write a book and you will get pissed
about the one sentence that pokes at an insecurity of yours. You are
too susceptible. Not only are you all bark and no bite… well… you
actually don’t really bark either. And the last time you wrote to me
it was all useless and vague so why should I care.”
“Oh, you are mad at me now.”
I must admit I was intimidated, I’m not used to having someone look
down at me like that, so I looked away and said “Yes” crossed my arms
and figured I had to get back to my friends or soon have to duck into
the rest room again and start crying. I started making my way past
him.
Casey extended his arm blocking my way and brought me back against the
wall. At first I was absolutely shocked that he had actually touched
me then I looked at him and noticed that he was smirking. It was
perplexing.
I opened my mouth to tell him off but he said: “Shut up!”
“Wh..”
And in a neutral tone he said “Shut the fuck up for once and listen to
me!”
Someone passed by us and from the look of him, he had heard Casey. I
contemplated using the distraction to run off but couldn’t bring
myself to do it.
“In two minutes I am going to put on my jacket and go out for a
cigarette. I expect you to ditch the friends and be on the curb with
all your stuff in less than 10 minutes. Understand?”
I was more puzzled by his attitude than his request frankly. I didn’t
answer him.
He backed up a few steps, regained his serious gaze, told me to get to
it and walked back to the bar.
I wondered if he wanted to yell at me out of earshot of everyone else.
Perhaps. He owed me a few tongue lashings for inappropriate things I’d
said. I wasn’t even sure what those were… And he never really told
me off… ever.
I wasn’t afraid of Casey Thompson.
I made my way back to the table and after concluding a few matters,
excused myself, put on my raincoat, picked up my computer bag and
exited the pub. The weather had turned to mist. Casey was not there.
From the corner of my eye I saw a flash. He had gone across the one
way street and was standing behind a parked BMW. I jaywalked across to
join him smoking what must have been his second cigarette.
I kept quiet and just looked at him. He was staring right ahead, so
tall that he could do it without looking like he was specifically
averting my gaze and just puffed away. He then raised his arm. I saw
the reflection of bright headlights and a car screeched to a halt just
next to me. Casey walked to the door and opened it.
“Get in.” When I didn’t move and just stared at him with my mouth open
he repeated his command this time with a smile.
Just then I think I understood what he was doing. I got in the cab and
sat behind the driver. Casey got in after me, chucked his half-smoked
cigarette and closed the door blowing the rest of his smoke my way. I
closed my eyes and let it pass. I hate cigarettes, how disgusting, but
right from the start I had given him a free pas on it and never
mentioned it again. After a while I came to see it as part of his
persona. After all, only villains smoke. He gave the taxi driver what
I knew was his home address and sat back. I buckled up, turned to my
right and sat sideways with my head leaning on the backrest. He had no
choice but do the same, for his legs were extra long, but he looked
forward as if i wasn’t there. I just looked at him, well it was more
like staring really but I was not shocked anymore. I refused him, he
forced me against a wall, out of a pub and into a cab. He’d just
blatantly captured me. I had no idea what was to come of this but for
ten minutes, I simply looked at him half stunned and smiled because
for the first time he had indulged me in what I wanted from him. He
looked at me a few times with what I would call an austere air but
it’s more like how we say in French, hautain, like looking down on
someone. And every time it made my face light up a little more because
that was the face that he liked. When the taxi turned the corner onto
his street, he turned again, leaned in so the cabbie wouldn’t hear him
and said: “I wouldn’t be smiling if I was you.”
I wasn’t afraid of Casey Thompson.
When the cab stopped, Casey paid the driver, exited the car and came
around to my side. He opened the door and motioned me out. I walked up
the stairs to the first door. He unlocked it and motioned me in. I
walked up to the upper level and into his apartment.
As Casey passed me at the top of the stairs he had already taken his
jacket off and hung it on a hook. I did the same. He walked down the
hallway telling me to stay. I was right next to the bathroom and
decided to pop in quickly. I closed the door behind me. I took one
tissue, blew my nose and another to dry the rainy mist on my face. My
makeup was running, it wasn’t very pretty.
Just then I heard a loud bang on the door.
“I’ll be right out!” I said
“Open the door NOW!” said Casey in the tone that had once reduced me
to tears.
I started to shake. I swear it’s not fear, I just react like that to
him. I walked the step to the door, took a few deep breaths and even
though I was still shaking, opened the door slowly.
I looked up to Casey, leaning against the opposite wall of the hallway
with his arms crossed across his chest. As I opened my mouth to say
something but he cut me off.
“I asked you to wait for me.”
Again, I tried to answer but…
“Shut your mouth…”
This actually made me look at him with my mouth open in disbelief.
He smiled and probably realized what he was sounding plain, which is
not his type at all, uncrossed his arms and took a step towards me. “I
mean close your mouth” He said this in a softer tone putting the
emphasis on the word ‘close’ and with his right index finger under my
chin pushed my mouth closed. Now my lips were shaking which he seemed
to notice. He appreciated my discomfort for little while. I was so
overcome with emotions that I had a hard time looking at him and
appreciating this rare moment in his presence.
“I think this is quite unfortunate but it will have to do for now.”
and with that Casey placed something sticky over my mouth and I
quickly understood that it was a piece of tape which he secured by
rubbing his thumbs outward towards my cheeks.
I immediately put a hand to my mouth to touch the tape.
“It’s low tack painter’s tape, it will not hurt you. Look at me!”
I was looking down because tears were welting up in my eyes, I didn’t
want him to see me cry.
“Livia, look at me.” And I did because when he spoke to me softly I
always did what he asked, without even thinking about it.
“You owe me silence. You owe me a LOT of quiet. Don’t you agree?”
In this instance I had no choice but to nod my approval. I had once
deluged him with more words than he could manage. He was right.
“This tape will remind you. I need 1 hour to think, get some stuff
together and… well, sober up a little… and then we will regroup.
Remove it before I do and you will be punished. Understand?”
I also nodded my agreement.
“Now, since you also don’t seem to understand the concept of ‘stay’ I
will have to use precaution and tie you down. Put your arms out.”
I didn’t!
“Oh c’mon miss ‘I can take a hundred hard licks of a flogger easy’.
You should be able to survive simply being tied by your hands for ONE
hour or less.” Perhaps it was the fact that I had agreed with him
before but he was becoming playful about the process and mocked me.
“I will tie you there” Casey said, pointing at the sofa, “and be
certain that I will not touch you, hurt you or take advantage of you
in any way. This is easily breakable tape, I just need to know you
agree to not move and can verify that you haven’t when I am not
looking.”
So now he was saying he couldn’t trust me to simply stay in one spot.
I put my arms out and shot him a look. He took out his lame low tack
blue painters tape and unrolled about 12 inches. I was a little
perplexed when he folded that first length of tape onto itself as if
he’d been thinking of a practical way to do this for a while now. He
rolled the now smooth tape over my wrists and unrolled five or six
additional turns to seal my wrists. He did not break off the roll.
With his right index finger he grabbed the tape as it met in between
my arms and led me into the living room. When he reached the corner of
the sofa he placed himself behind me and told me to kneel on the
hardwood floor. I was distracted by the fact that his voice came from
behind me. It caused me to shiver. When I did not respond immediately,
he pushed the back of my knees with his foot and grabbed both my arms
firmly as I slowly slipped to the ground making a little squeaking
sound. It was at that very moment that I had broken and accepted my
faith. It was the first time Casey Thompson had ever actually held me.
It felt warm and not threatening at all. Soon I was sitting on the
floor leaning sideways against the sofa with my eyes closed. I heard
Casey continue to wrap the tape around what I figured was the leg of
the sofa. He was so close to me I could feel his warmth. I felt him
leave and opened my eyes. He sat down at the other end of the sofa
looking at me.
For a few minutes I just looked at him. He is after all absolutely
gorgeous and I don’t mean visually pleasing in the general sense as
much as… Well… if I had been given a pen and had the talent to
draw the best looking guy ever, I would have drawn Casey Thompson. And
it took me a while to understand why but it made me smile. And there
were so many little things about him that just made me smile like the
way he has wrinkles on each side of his eyes that become really
visible when he smiles like cartoon emphasis lines to draw attention
to his piercing eyes.
I kept looking at him, in the flesh, a few feet away from me. He was
unattainable, as usual! But I was peaceful and it was heaven because I
didn’t have to make conversation… I just looked at him lustfully. I
was wondering if there was a point to this or if he was just going to
suddenly say, “okay, joke is over”, let’s watch reruns of ‘Everybody
Loves Raymond’. Then I thought, no, there is no way he would ever say
that!
Suddenly he looked like he had forgotten something and fished his
phone from his pocket.
“I have to run to the store and get some things. It’s just around the
corner, it will take me 20 minutes max…” Casey squatted down on the
floor in front of me because I was visibly disappointed in him. “I
know this is just not right to leave you here like this but”, he
continued, “…you can break out of this pretty easy if I get hit by a
car and never return.” I shrugged, because he was right.
He grabbed my chin softly and kissed my head before getting back up.
“Stay and wait.” Casey said as he slipped on his shoes. I looked down
to the floor. “Livia”, he said, “Do not move or I will punish you.”
and just as he said that I looked at him again as he leaned a long
shoe horn against the living room wall. I took a deep breath, nodded
yes (or should it have been no) and rested my head against the seat.
I waited patiently for his return. I had no idea what time it was but
it was dark outside. I didn’t care, it’s not as if I had anything
super specific planned for a few days. Oh great, I have been kidnapped
and I am tied in a guy’s apartment and am not expected anywhere
specific for a few days… hmmm… I will have to remedy that with an
e-mail at some point or else I will have to bow out of this little
experiment.
I started observing everything in the room but there wasn’t much other
than the usual living room stuff. Unlike me, Casey was not a pack rat
but at least he had taste. I gave up trying to read the titles on his
DVDs, my contacts were dry and uncomfortable. I simply rested my head
and closed my eyes. I was actually tired and hungry. Nothing worst
that partaking in the social drinking of alcohol without having any
food to offset it. I hoped there was food in my immediate future.
Casey returned quite quickly with two bags. He put one in the bathroom
and walked to the kitchen with the other. He immediately returned and
asked if I was okay. I nodded yes.
He had a notebook and pen in his hands. Sat back down at the sofa and
started scribbling stuff down. Sometimes he would look at me for a
brief moment and return to his task. I just looked at him. He
eventually looked satisfied with his effort, got up and came around to
me.
He knelt down and broke the tape lead that tied me to the sofa and
slid me down the floor so I was facing the sofa but on the other side
of the coffee table. I was kind of still sitting sideways.
“Kneel down correctly, Japanese style.” Casey ordered. “Straighten
your back.” I did what he asked but I was aching in any position by
then. I straightened up and placed my tied hands on my lap looking
forward. He walked back to the sofa and sat down in front of me
lowering his elbows to his knees so his head was just about at the
same height as mine.
“Now, we are going to have a little negotiation procedure. You like
procedures don’t you?” Casey asked.
I nodded yes but raised my index finger and pointed to the tape
covering my mouth.
“Don’t worry, this is going to be really simple.”
He picked up his book and ripped one page out placing it on the coffee
table in front of me.
In big bold letters at the top read “24Hrs Captivity Agreement”. The
word “Captivity” was underlined three times. It looked like a
contract. I think it was the official nature of this gesture from him
that made me tear up.
I looked at him and he seemed eager to see my reaction. I placed my
bound hands on the coffee table, blinked my eyes so I could lean in to
read it very carefully.
Below the headline were 5 phrases. The first three detailed the length
of the contract, how I was expected to behave, what I was expected to
do. It was all rather simple, non-sexual and service-oriented in
nature. In the fourth line Casey had detailed how he was not intending
to cause me injury or permanent harm. The last line however made me
fall sideways to the floor and cry. And I didn’t want to cry because
if I did I was going to lose my ability to breathe through my nose and
have to tear off my tape before it was time.
Casey got up and scooped me off the ground placing me back in my
original position. I sniffled noisily and re-read the last phrase
which was basically a very specific instruction that left absolutely
no doubt as to what he intended to do with me. I saw the pen on the
table and picked it up grabbing it with both my hands and violently
crossed out the last phrase. I pushed the page back to him and kept
the pen in my hands. Casey looked at the page, seemed confused as to
why I had crossed out THAT line. As soon as I had his attention I
clumsily bent my arms and drew a wobbly circle on my left arm with the
pen. I then looked at him and waited. He stared at my arm then at me
and my arm again. When he remembered he brought his hand to his mouth
but said nothing. He then leaned in closer kiss my lips over the tape
as he grabbed my hands with the pen and placed them back on the table,
close to the page.
I looked down. There were two check boxes. One said Yes, the other
said No. I checked the Yes box and wiggled my arms so I could write
legibly. I signed the paper and dated it. It was not legally binding
but it meant something to me and obviously to him. I pushed the paper
back to Casey. Casey sniffled, rubbed his eyes with his palms then
looked at the paper. He folded it three times, got up and walked away.
Just then my heart missed a beat. I just remembered how we’d been
through this before, well, sort of. That was the day where he told me
he was overjoyed because I basically confirmed that I was attracted to
him and agreed to spend time alone with him knowing full well his
expectations and interests. It was also the day he fucked everything
up by partying all night and flaking out on our Saturday plans. My
hands were still on the coffee table and I rested my head as I felt
humiliated and cried. He was gone, again.
Minutes went by as my nose stuffed up, I had a hard time breathing. I
felt an arm reach under me and lift me up. Casey, turned me around so
I was sitting on the coffee table. “Sorry, I had to step away for a
moment there…” Casey said as he was holding my bound wrists then he
looked at me and asked playfully “Do you have anything to say to me?”
I looked at him and thought… No, actually I sincerely had nothing to
say to him. I had poured out my heart to him in so many ways…
Silence was just fine for me now. I nodded no. “I will remove the tape
and I will do the talking. You can just keep nodding all evening if
you want.” I smiled and nodded yes. “Wait a second.” Casey interjected
as he held my face with his left hand as he peeled off the tape
revealing the smile behind it. It was a huge smile, albeit on a sticky
mouthed, snotty nosed and teary makeup stained face. His face lit up
“That is much better!” He only let me take in two decent breaths
before kissing me. This surprised me and I instinctively tensed up. He
let me go and started working on my wrist bounds. I didn’t pay
attention I just tried to breathe in as much air as possible.
I was thirsty, hungry, had to pee but I felt like I was in suspended
time so it didn’t matter. Casey has literally given me exactly what I
had asked of him figuratively. But then again it was he who had
answered my Facebook status about being captivated by him with his own
twisted version of it, so it perhaps was what he wanted before I
bought into it. It was just mind boggling, but only for sixty seconds
because I just wanted to live in the moment. And at that moment,
looked like an uncomfortable mess sitting on Casey’s coffee table.
When Casey had removed and gathered all the tape from my arms and the
sofa he looked at me and proceeded to give me specific instructions.
“I bought things for you at the store, like a toothbrush and things.
Go take a shower and I am going to make us dinner. Don’t lock the
door, I’m going to bring you towels.”
I nodded yes.
Casey got up helped me up by holding my hands and pulling me closer to
him. I didn’t hug him just briefly rested my forehead against his left
shoulder and walked towards the bathroom as Casey followed me not
letting go of my hands until I was in front of the bathroom door. I
bid him goodbye and entered the bathroom.
I was just odd for me to be in his space. He was so closed and walled
up sometimes that I still didn’t feel comfortable intently touching
him or anything of his for that matter. Sure I had sent him countless
e-mails but never called for after we had started having troubles, it
just felt too intrusive and our interactions always led to sadness.
The mere mention of his fortress was enough to make him raise the
drawbridge. But now I was in it and if all I got was 24 hours well,
then, I was going to enjoy every second of that.
I started the shower and blew my nose 3 times. I rubbed my makeup off
as best I could but my face was a mess and my eyes were puffy and red.
I looked in Casey’s bag and discovered most of the things I would have
brought with me anyway and a pair of black pantyhose. I wondered why
and then figured that I didn’t have a change of underwear… or any
underwear for that matter. The tights I had on were snagged and ruined
anyway, i put them in the garbage can. The label on the black tights
said “Control Top”… And that made me laugh. I wonder if Casey heard
me. I quickly took off all my clothes and hopped into the warm shower.
I eventually heard the door open and then close again. I saw a shadow
behind the shower curtain.
“I’m right here.” Casey said. He then pushed the shower curtain open.
That made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, I was facing away from him
and figured if I looked at him I would feel even more uneasy. He
flushed the toilet which made me think he had gone to the bathroom.
Suddenly, the water became very hot. I jumped and screamed and backed
up turning around towards him as I braced myself with the towel bar.
He just looked at me with absolute satisfaction, handed me a small
towel and said “Dinner should be ready in a few minutes. Don’t use up
all my hot water.” slowly closed the shower curtain and walked away.
I suddenly remembered how he once told me that I was really great in
his masturbation fantasies. I never pay much attention to declarations
like that knowing how utterly unimaginative most guy’s fantasies are.
I wondered how many of Casey’s fantasies involved playing painful or
cruel tricks on me. He’s like his favorite dish: hot, salty, sweet,
bitter over and over again.
I got out of the shower and took the large towel he left for me. But
there was something missing. My clothes! “Dammit!” I thought. “Why
didn’t I think of that.” I resolved to wear my towel which was going
to make me look so pudgy and ugly.
I heard a knock on the door and opened it.
Again Casey was leaned against the wall. In his hand he was holding my
mini computer with the screen facing me. There was a standby login
dialog box and behind it a picture. It was not a picture of Casey.
There were no pictures of Casey on my computer because they always
made me sad.
“Stole my clothes, going through my stuff?” I asked, mostly amused.
“Yes! You, and your stuff are mine for now.”
“I’m sure I do not have anything that would be of interest to you. And
I have to send an e-mail so I can take tomorrow off and do what you
wrote I should do tomorrow while you are at work.”
He recognized who was in the picture but since I did not address it
just asked me how to turn it off. “Close it. That’s it.” He closed it
and placed it on the sofa then came back close to me and unfolded my
towel, bunched it up and threw it into the bathroom. “You don’t need
that” Casey said sternly, irritated, then took my hand and led me to
the dining area. I was more scared of being cold than naked frankly
for when I get cold I have really embarrassing shiver fits. I sat down
on the cold chair and looked at my dinner. It was noodles with
vegetables. I was so hungry but waited for him to tell me to eat. I
smiled when I noticed that there was a large glass of water in front
of me.
When Casey sat down he picked up his fork and motioned me to eat. I
looked down at my food and was already feeling cold. I started
thinking about how I had on my computer a picture of a man who called
me ‘precious’ and treated me as such even though it would be a while
before we actually met in person. But for the time being, there I was,
naked in the dining room of the guy whom my friends all referred to as
‘the jerk’. The vanilla guy who professed being a dominant but
despised the community I belonged to… The prissy emperor who took
himself too seriously and treated me to coldness and dismissal. The
guy who knew I was in love with him. Whether he believed it or not, I
did not know.
I felt foolish as I slowly ate my vegetables and twirled my noodles.
“Are you okay?” Casey asked. I raised my head and looked at him. “Just
a little emotional… as usual.” I said.
“I think you need a hug.” he said smiling.
“I think YOU need a hug.” I retorted. I immediately bit my tongue,
placed my hand on my mouth and closed my eyes.
“Maybe I do.” Casey said matter of factly.
The next day as 21:00 rang, we were sitting on the couch, he was
holding my hand but we were not saying anything. I got up and got
dressed to leave. I had already placed all my stuff next to the door.
Casey walked to the door. In my usual manner, I said ‘thank you’ and
left.
I was sad to go but I did not want this to descend into awkwardness
and I cry way too easy. I exited swiftly! I made my way back home
feeling all sort of strange. I wondered if I was going to be able to
sleep. As I reached the front door of my house. I reached in to find
my keys. When I found them, my key ring felt strange. I shook it and
realized, there was an extra key on it.
I had a hard time falling asleep.
