#51 Painful Sex Solutions With Nora Langknecht

Research shows that the majority of women will experience pain during sex at some point in their lives. But just because painful sex is common, it doesn’t mean you have to accept it as normal! To talk about this, we’re joined by Nora Langknecht, a sexuality educator, reproductive health counselor, and Brand and Digital Marketing Manager for the sex toy brand FUN FACTORY.

In this episode, Nora tells us about her career journey and role at FUN FACTORY, which she describes as the perfect mix of spreadsheets and dildos! Then, we delve into what could be causing pain during sex, the importance of arousal and lubrication, and tips to help you rethink sensuality, communicate better with your sexual partner, and much more. Whether you’re flying solo or coupled up, this episode will help you to unlock pain-free pleasure in the bedroom. So, grab your headphones and get ready to revolutionize your sex life!

Key Points From This Episode

• What led Nora to become a sex educator and counselor.
• Common causes of pain during penetrative vaginal sex and their solutions.
• Reasons that lube is for everyone!
• When Nora recommends speaking to your doctor about painful sex.
• Why anal sex can be painful and ways to make it more pleasurable.
• How to prepare for anal sex; hygiene, communication tips, and more.
• A warning against numbing cream and why orgasm isn’t always the “goal.”
• Tips to help you rethink sensuality and experience pleasure without sex.
• Advice for supporting your libido, whether you’re partnered or single.
• The role of pornography in a partnership (and when it can be a problem).
• Insight into how COVID-19 affected couples’ sex lives.
• Suggestions for self-discovery using sex toys.
• A comprehensive guide to consent and how to practice it intentionally.
• Spontaneous versus responsive desire and why mindfulness is key.

Quotes

“Slowing down, focusing on arousal, and including more lube are the main solutions for vaginal pain during sex.” — Nora Langknecht [0:04:15]

“Thinking of sex as something more intricate, cyclical, and playful also helps if you’re not moving unidirectionally – from [external play] to penetration to orgasm.” — Nora Langknecht [0:12:58]

“There are all these different ways to be sensual together that can involve any of our five senses that aren’t necessarily focused on what we would consider a sex act.” — Nora Langknecht [0:19:14]

“Sometimes in partnerships, we focus on partnered pleasure more than solo play, but solo play is a fantastic way to support your own libido – It’s an important part of your own sexual life, whether you’re married, dating, or single.” — Nora Langknecht [0:23:37]

“For some reason, we started telling this story that [asking for consent] was going to be scary or unsexy, but asking someone if you can kiss them is the sexiest, un-scariest thing you can do.” — Nora Langknecht [0:32:39]

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Transcript

“Nora Langknecht: The main culprit in terms of pain during vaginal sex is lack of arousal and lack of lubrication. There can be a variety of reasons that’s not something someone’s experiencing. It could be related to menopause, so their vaginal lubrication might be less. It could be related to stress or anxiety. Slowing down, focusing on arousal, and including more lube are the main solutions for vaginal pain during sex.” 

[INTRODUCTION]

[0:00:30] Sean Jameson: This is The Bad Girls Bible Podcast. I’m your host Sean Jameson, and this is the place where I interview experts and professionals and everyone in between to teach you how to dramatically improve your relationships and have more enjoyable sex more often. If you’re not already subscribed to The Bad Girls Bible Podcast, you just need to open your podcast app, search for Bad Girls Bible, and hit that subscribe button, so you get the latest episodes delivered straight to you the moment they are released. 

[INTERVIEW]

[0:01:03] SJ: Today, I’m talking to Nora Langknecht. She’s a sexuality educator, reproductive health counselor, and she’s also the Brand and Digital Marketing Manager for the sex toy brand, FUN FACTORY. Nora, thanks so much for coming on the show. 

[0:01:18] NL: Thank you for having me, Sean. It’s a pleasure to be here. 

[0:01:21] SJ: Great. How did you follow this path and become a sex educator and counselor? 

[0:01:27] NL: Like so many people, I came at it from the outside. I had a few experiences growing up with sex education that created a curiosity for it for myself. My mom happened to be my sex ed teacher early on in middle school, which is a fairly unique experience in that I was learning sex ed for my mom alongside my entire class. 

[0:01:49] SJ: Is that awkward at all? 

[0:01:51] NL: You know what? I think I was such a goody-two-shoes student that I just went in student mode. What it did mean though is that we barely ever talked about sex at home, which is ironic, because we always had a space to talk about it. So, it was a little bit of a strange approach to it, something that we’ve digested in our adult years, our mutual adult years. Then after that, I went to a Catholic school for high school where the approach to sex and sex education was very different and very conservative. Seeing the contrast between those two things fostered an interest for me.

That was something that continued to intrigue me through my college years. Then I started my career as a reproductive health counselor in a public health center. After a few years of doing that, I pivoted into the sex toy industry, which is a complete other side of things. I have just loved it. It’s been such a cool meeting place for creativity and sex education, but also just reaching adult audiences and people really oriented towards pleasure, so It’s been a lot of fun. 

[0:02:56] SJ: Yeah. It certainly sounds like a fun job. 

[0:02:59] NL: Yeah. It’s a perfect mix of spreadsheets, and then also dildos, which I think once you find that niche, it’s hard to imagine anywhere else, so it’s a little scary in that sense. I’m like, “Oh no. I found the thing I love.” But it’s been a joy. I’ve been doing that for seven years. 

[0:03:15] SJ: Awesome. I’d love to start talking about pain during vaginal sex. Maybe you could talk about some of the common causes of pain during penetrative vaginal sex. 

[0:03:30] NL: Yeah, sure. This is a really common experience for people. I think it can feel very scary to experience pain during sex, because it’s easy to think there might be something really dramatically wrong, but the main culprit in terms of pain during vaginal sex is lack of arousal and lack of lubrication. As you get physiologically aroused, the vaginal canal extends. There’s natural lubrication that often happens. You have a little more room. You have a little more wetness that supports any penetrative play. 

There can be a variety of reasons that that’s not something someone’s experiencing. It could be related to menopause, so their vaginal lubrication might be less. It could be related to stress or anxiety. So, slowing down, focusing on arousal, and including more lube are the main solutions for vaginal pain during sex. Obviously, if you’re doing those things and the pain persists, there can be positioning tools, so making sure that you’re more in control of penetration entry and depth. There’s also tools like the Ohnut. 

[0:04:35] SJ: Is that a case then of communicating with your partner? 

[0:04:38] NL: For sure. Yeah. Communication’s going to be key. That could be with a partner. It could also just be, learning if you’re using toys for internal play, learning what depth works for you and what angling works for you. That’ll help you communicate that with a partner. There’s great guides online in terms of positions that help the receiving end be more in control, but yeah. Communication is going to be core to all of that. That’s also going to ease the anxiety that could be contributing to the discomfort during sex. 

[0:05:08] SJ: You mentioned arousal, some people aren’t aroused and that can result in lack of lubrication causing pain. Can some people be aroused and still not have adequate lubrication? 

[0:05:21] NL: Yeah, totally. Like I said, a lot of times that can come with menopause, but it can also just be a matter of anxiety, like you could be mentally, fully, very, super horny and maybe your body is just not reflecting that, or even if you are, your body is feeling good and all of that people’s vaginal lubrication is going to vary. That’s one of the reasons that most sex educators recommend lube for absolutely everybody. I think it’s not like, it doesn’t have to be a solution to a problem. It should be a main tool in your arsenal for any play, whether it’s solo or with a partner. 

[0:05:56] SJ: I’m thinking of myself as a sometimes insecure guy. If a man or a woman are having sex, female partner takes out some lube, that’s pretty normal, right? Like there’s nothing the guy’s doing wrong. I think sometimes guys, their ego can be so wrapped up in sex that they think, “Oh no. My partner’s not turned on. She has to use lube. I’m screwing things up somehow, I’m messing things up.” Is that the case? I’m asking leading questions.

[0:06:26] NL: No, that’s fine. I mean, stories are all wound up in sex, right? We receive all kinds of stories about what good sex looks like, what arousal looks like, what consent should or shouldn’t look like or things like that. A lot of those stories expect us to be able to communicate without communicating so that someone’s vaginal lubrication is communicating the whole story about how ready they are, how interested they are, how turned on you make them feel. In reality, bodies are much more complex than that. Sex is much more complex and interpersonal than that. 

It’s completely normal for someone to feel a little pang of anxiety, but it’s just as normal for someone to use lube or toys during sex. I think like a podcast like this can help people, let go of some of those anxieties. It’s not a commentary on your ability as a lover at all. It’s simply something that’s going to enhance and make the experience more fun, more comfortable for everybody. That can be for you as well. I think a lot of times we focus on like vaginal needs and clitoral needs for stimulation, but all of this serves everybody involved no matter what they’re working with. 

[0:07:32] SJ: Are there other causes on thinking of maybe something vaginismus that can cause vaginal sex to be painful? 

[0:07:40] NL: Yeah. That’s one of the things I would say. If the discomfort and pain persists when you focus on deepening the arousal, adding lubrication, or using other tools like that. If it’s something that persists and you’re not able to find a solution, it’s a great idea to go talk to your doctor, because there could be an underlying cause and something you might be able to find support and resources for. It’s not something that you have to figure out all on your own. But like I said, lube and deeper arousal are a great place to start. Some of that is also just mental arousal, like focusing on your anxieties and communication and making sure that you feel safe and connected with each other.

[0:08:18] SJ: Yeah. I’d add to that. Some couples sometimes find even just using a condom can help make things feel a little bit less painful. 

[0:08:25] NL: Yeah, definitely. Anytime you’re using condoms, you want to use lube as well. Condoms only come with enough lube to basically apply them. If that’s something that makes you more comfortable, it’s certainly not going to hurt to use a water-based lubricant along with that. Yeah, that’s a great recommendation. 

[0:08:41] SJ: What about anal sex for the receiver? Why is that often painful or why does it feel painful? Is it the same reasons or there’s slightly different reasons? 

[0:08:50] NL: Slightly different reasons, but there is some overlap. Lubrication is going to be a recommendation on all sides. When you think of the anus, it doesn’t naturally expand with arousal, like the rest of the body does. You can relax it, so that’s something that’s more of a mental game than a physiological arousal situation. It also doesn’t naturally self-lubricate. That’s why you really want to focus on going slow and using lube. 

A lot of people, when they think of anal sex, there’s kind of this focus on in and out thrusting, which can feel super nice, but requires a lot of comfort, communication, and lubrication. Actually, the sense of fullness that you get with something like a plug or a finger can be extremely pleasant for people and just focusing on external play with the ass is also really nice. We’ve got a ton of nerve endings there. It’s very sensitive. 

I think if you’re focusing on sex that looks a certain way or sounds a certain way with anal sex and it’s uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean that anal is off the table. There might be ways you can play that are less focused on in and out and just focused on stimulating the nerve endings that are all there. 

[0:09:59] SJ: Absolutely. Then you can also do that at the same time, maybe focusing a little bit on external stimulation during regular vaginal sex. 

[0:10:08] NL: Totally, totally. I would recommend that. I mean, that’s the realm of all sex toy folks is like, why not add more, right? You don’t have to just pick one thing or the other. There’s always more that can be stimulated while you’re playing. 

[0:10:22] SJ: What about those that they’re preparing to have anal sex maybe for the first time and they’re a little nervous about cleanliness or hygiene? Are there things they can do beforehand. I’m thinking about douching and showers? 

[0:10:39] NL: Yeah. When you consider the anatomy of the anus, there isn’t any fecal matter that’s stored in the rectum directly above the anal opening, the anal sphincter. If you’ve had a bowel movement, 60 minutes, 90 minutes beforehand, you should be essentially clean. A shower goes a long way using a finger with a little bit of soap inside the anal opening, like that will work for you. But certainly, if people want to go a little bit further using an anal douche is fine, you don’t need chemicals for that. You don’t need special washes. You can just use clean warm water.

The truth of the matter is if you’re playing with butts, there might be butt stuff involved, and that’s just kind of part of it, but that’s the case for everybody. Generally it’s not going to be some catastrophe if you’re having like a healthy fibrous diet and you’ve had a BM in the hour before play. 

[0:11:31] SJ: Absolutely. Then the initial penetration. I guess it’s mostly communication tips between the receiver and the penetrator. Do you have any tips that they could use to make everything, I guess a bit smoother to deal with any potential initial pain? 

[0:11:52] NL: Yeah. I mean, slowness is the key here, but there’s more that goes into it than just the speed of how you’re entering. Consider that you’re pressing against a very strong muscle in the body, so giving that muscle time to relax against the pressure is key. As you’re placing something against the sphincter, pressing it there solidly without trying to push through any resistance, you almost imagine tilting the finger, the toy, or the member into the anus instead of just pushing bluntly against it. 

Again, taking it slow, giving that person time to breathe into that, and relax against it is going to be key. You don’t have to start going all the way in. You can press and then slowly pull back and those kinds of pulsing motions should help the area relax. Ultimately, if the person is just feeling uncomfortable and they’re not finding a way to take on more of a finger, or a toy, or something else, then shift your motion again, like we said, external play is completely valid and a great way to stimulate nerve endings. Then you can always circle back to it. 

I think, thinking of sex as something more intricate, cyclical, and playful also helps. If you’re not moving unidirectionally toward, we’re going from this to penetration, to orgasm or something like that. Instead, you’re like, “Let’s try this thing. How is this feeling? We can circle back to this other thing and then come back.” I think that sort of play also, take some of the pressure off, which is really going to help in addition to like the actual physical movements of slowness. 

[0:13:25] SJ: Yeah. I think sometimes people can get a little bit of tunnel vision, pardon the pun, I guess, our part. Yeah, they can just get a bit focused on a specific sex act that maybe they enjoy or that they think their partner will enjoy and they get lost in maybe trying things out or going in a different direction. 

[0:13:44] NL: Yeah. It might not even be something that you enjoy or your partner enjoys, but that you think is the obvious next step. I remember the first time I ever had anal sex, I was much younger than maybe most people, but I thought, well, I have all this information, I’ve done all these other things, this is the next thing. It just felt like the obvious, like show how sexually mature I am. In retrospect, now I can be like, “Oh, I wasn’t actually interested in it. I was open to the idea and I thought that it would show how open-minded I was sexually.” But there’s a big difference between that and actually wanting to try something. 

Communication is key, experience is key, no hard feelings towards the person that I did that with, but it was only something that through reflection, I was like, “Ah, okay.” Was there actual interest there or was I following what I viewed as the plot? If that can be a hard thing to communicate about tacitly, just because of those same stories we mentioned. It feels like the same thing as a relationship ladder. Okay, we’ve done this thing, and then we’ve done this thing, so this is the next thing to explore. The truth is there’s so much to explore and anal can be one of many, many things that you can try. 

[0:14:55] SJ: Numbing creams. If someone finds that anal sex is painful, should they use a numbing cream? Is it a good idea or a bad idea? 

[0:15:04] NL: Generally, that would not be recommended from the sex education community. The reason for that is that the tissue of the anus is much thinner, less elastic than other tissues on our other orifices. So, it’s fairly common to experience micro tears, but there is the potential for larger tears if you’re not successfully relaxing and lubricating that part of the body. If you’re using a numbing cream that might remove that signal from you that something has happened that you should stop or avoid. If there’s tears there, that increases chances for infections or STIs and things like that. So, you really want to have your body available to you for those important signals. 

People do choose to use that for anal play. They choose to use it for a throat spray and ultimately that’s completely their decision, but those are some of the reasons that as educators we would warn against it. We really want to make sure that your body is involved in your play and that you’re getting those important signals if you do need to take a break or react to something. 

[0:16:04] SJ: Should orgasm always be the goal of sex, either alone masturbating or with a partner? 

[0:16:10] NL: No. I simply, but no. I think a lot of us arrive at that over time, I imagine, whether that’s just naturally as our bodies change or we start having sex where it’s not orgasm centered and it’s freeing. I hope that everyone has had experiences where they feel connected and playful, and that is truly the essence of the encounter. An orgasm is a wonderful experience for most people. It’s a lovely thing, but it’s certainly not a given for many people, and for so many reasons, and for any person and anybody. 

An orgasm just might not be an option and that shouldn’t mean that sex feels off the table or incomplete or unsatisfying. This is one of the hardest things I think, especially selling sex toys. It’s like interesting, because of course, the products we make are largely focused on orgasm, but as a sex educator and as also a sexual human, that’s something I’ve really tried to remove from this center of my play. I do think it’s also a cue from queer sex.

I think a lot of times as someone who dated straight for many years. The focus of my straight sex was really on orgasm, like I said, it very much felt like a ladder. It’s been fun to break that down and play more broadly without that being at the center and that’s something that I really found through queer sex, but it now circles back to when I’m having sex with men, as well. 

[0:17:41] SJ: Yeah. I think also even in the BDSM community, you can find that the focus isn’t always on orgasm. Often, it’s not an orgasm at all. It’s on different sensations. 

[0:17:52] NL: Totally, yeah. Yeah, like and I said, I think people arrive there in all different ways and for all different reasons. Also, we’ve seen that edging play has become more popular. Orgasm denial, that kind of thing. To some degree that’s still a focus on the eventual orgasm, but I do think that if you’re playing with those kinds of things, you find that the sensation and the pleasure is not secondary to the eventual orgasm. It’s really central to the whole experience. 

[0:18:21] SJ: Are there any other ways you’d recommend that people can enjoy sex and intimacy, where the focus isn’t on this end goal of orgasm and thinking of things like giving your partner a massage? Do you have any other advice or tips on that? 

[0:18:38] NL: Yeah. This is a cue that we get really strongly from the disabled community where certain kinds of sex acts, certain sexual experiences might not always be at hand. Jade T. Perry is a fantastic sex educator and mystic who talks about this. Really just thinking about sensuality and sensual connection with yourself and with your partner. It can be as simple as putting on lingerie or an outfit that feels really sensual and laying together, stroking each other, certainly massage, setting the scene, listening to audio porn together. 

There’s all these different ways to be sensual together that can involve any of our five senses that aren’t necessarily focused on what we would consider a sex act. Even like brushing and braiding someone’s hair, or painting their nails, or these kinds of things, ways of engaging with someone’s body and pampering them or with your own body and pampering yourself that are super, super sensual. 

I think that embodiment, that kind of being in touch with yourself and with your partner outside of these kinds of standard expectations of sex is foundational to having a good connection and a good sexual experience. So, often those are kinds of the things we way lay for the pressures of life, right? It’s like, “Okay, we have 25 minutes, let’s get to it.” Where can we find those moments of slowness and connection without focusing on parts? 

[0:20:03] SJ: I mean, I’d even add just holding hands when you’re going for a walk. 

[0:20:06] NL: Yeah, definitely. Kissing where it’s not kissing for warmup or something like that. That those kinds of intentional connections, essential connections that aren’t, again, part of that ladder narrative toward orgasm. Yeah, definitely. 

[0:20:22] SJ: I have a question about it’s more looking for advice for listeners that they want to have a healthy sex life. They want to maintain their libido while at the same time juggling family, kids, work, paying for a mortgage, other stresses. Do you have any advice for people that are stressed out that do have a full plate could use? 

[0:20:45] NL: Yeah. First let me say I’m not someone with kids, so I’m always speaking at this from an expert angle, but not a personal angle. But the pressures of life get to all of us, right? I think one of the big things is to remember that libido is not going to be a consistent force in your life. A lot of people really identify with their libido. Oh, I’m someone with a high libido or oh, I’m someone with a low libido. But I imagine we’ve all had experiences where we’ve connected with a new person and our libido is like through the roof. 

We feel like a teenager again, or we’ve been in a moment of our lives where we’re moving, or we’re changing jobs or things are generally stressful and we just don’t feel like we can tap it. All of that is completely natural. It’s not this consistent marker. It’s something that’s going to shift. The same things we were talking about of staying in touch with your body and with your partner’s body, kind of detangled from sex are a big part of that. You might have stretches in a partnership, especially if you have kids or job stress or things like that where you’re going to feel like those big, wow, sexual connections are a little bit less frequent and a little bit harder to tap. That doesn’t mean that your sex life is over. It doesn’t mean that’s the end of the relationship. 

If you’re having those moments, focus on the things that you can do to feel in touch, like you were saying, holding hands with each other, or cuddling while you’re watching a movie, or focusing on just having a little session where you’re petting and massaging each other, and touching each other without some big orgasm or big sexual session being the goal. As far as if you’re not working within a partnership, if you’re someone who’s single. I was single for years during the pandemic and beyond and I really had to work on some of those tools of how do I remain feeling like a sensual person? How do I keep – how do I tap into my libido as someone who’s not having partnered play? 

One of the things that I did for that was just focusing on tapping into my body. Looking at my body, taking above this, like stroking my body using vibration or just my hands. Massage oils are lovely for just yourself. It doesn’t have to be with a partner. Those kinds of things of staying embodied. Then other things that can help, we had an independent study in 2019 with sexologists in Germany that found that daily use of our pulsator toys, so these are hands-free thrusters. They found that 15 minutes of daily vaginal use for this did increase people’s desire for sex, could increase vaginal wetness, could support vaginal sensitivity. 

If you’re looking at hands-on ways to tackle libido, something like that, like actually including masturbation in part of your routine and habit, can really be a support for that. I think, like I said, sometimes that doesn’t feel so easy to do, but it’s a really great way to keep your libido at hand. I think that sometimes in partnerships, we focus on partnered pleasure more than solo play, but solo play is a fantastic way to support your own libido, your own drive. It’s an important part of your own sexual life, whether you’re married, or dating, or single. 

[0:23:53] SJ: I get a lot of emails from female readers and female listeners that would agree with you with this idea that solo play can help support your libido. But they also – I also get a lot of emails from women that are frustrated with their partner, because they literally say, he has a porn addiction. That it’s basically just solo play only for them. Is there a solution to that? 

[0:24:21] SJ: That’s an interesting question. Using addiction language around porn can be a tricky area, but I do think generally, if you’re feeling like your partner’s use of pornography is getting in the way of your connection, that’s worthy of an investigation or even a conversation. I don’t think it’s something you can tackle by just saying like, “I don’t want you to do this.” Maybe you could consider watching porn together and seeing if you can find some connection or having creating a challenge for yourselves where you have a little chastity challenge. Like, “Okay, so this week we’re not going to masturbate and we’re just going to focus on sex together and doing this build-up together.” 

Then the connection is the payoff, and you can use pornography within that connection or not, but something like that, getting playful, focusing on your connection can be a way to tackle that. Overall, porn is not a replacement for connection with your partner. It’s another like add-on and seasoning just in the same way that we consider other things. If you feel like that’s taking the place, then creating some intentional time with each other would be what I would recommend, which I know is easier said than done sometimes. 

[0:25:28] SJ: You mentioned the pandemic earlier. Did you notice that it affected couples’ sex lives? 

[0:25:35] NL: Yeah. It was different. I mean, obviously every single coupling is different, but we did a few surveys with FUN FACTORY toward our audience. We saw some really interesting trends. So, people that were housed together, there was often like an initial burst of libido, and then things drained as people were stuck together and people that were distanced partnerships. 

[0:25:58] SJ: Like those pop quizzes, did you have also do all these quizzes with friends? 

[0:26:02] NL: Yeah. We did a few survey blasts through our social media and through our newsletter, so we had like a few different times where we would tap into our base. How were you feeling? It was really amazing, actually. The first one we did was like, I think it was probably two weeks into lockdown where we were like this has gone on forever. How are we going to survive? It had been two weeks. All these respondents were saying, I’m hornier than ever. We’re having more sex. We’re having more fun. 

Every single person who answered from the sex industry that we work in, their libido was like at zero. I think we were all like, so much more stressed and had a harder time using sex for release, but we were seeing that people found it that way. The other interesting stat during the pandemic was that there was a boom in anal sex products and also in pegging products. So, focusing on people doing this more expansive play that sometimes we consider to be more advanced. We saw those toys went up like 200% in the first few months of the pandemic. So, people were really, really interested when they had the time in trying more things. 

I think so much of this comes back to people feeling like they have the time to explore, to be present. A lot of that just takes extra intentionality, extra attention, extra time. That was something that we had. It’s something I think about a lot now that we’re out of that realm, like how, maybe you’ve heard this too. Sometimes people are a little bit nostalgic. Even though there was so much anxiety, and so much worry during that time. It’s like, “Yeah, but I was going on walks.” But I was like pegging my boyfriend. I don’t know. 

[0:27:35] SJ: I had all these perfect walking routes. It was amazing. Podcasts and walks. 

[0:27:40] NL: Yeah.

[0:27:40] SJ: I remember that. 

[0:27:41] NL: We just had more time. 

[0:27:41] SJ: Nostalgia is a funny thing like that. You just remember so many positive things. Sometimes you forget the negative things. 

[0:27:48] NL: I know. It’s a weird one, but there’s some truth to it. It gave us this weird moment to say, “What kind of sex will we be having if we weren’t rushing from thing to thing?” Like, only connecting after we’d gone out together and we’re both home drunk? There was just this different presence that was an opportunity for people, or for people me that were not consistently seeing people. There was a lot of time that happened to my own stuff and what did that look like? A lot of self-discovery, I think, for a lot of people happened during that period. 

[0:28:21] SJ: If people then, if couples and individuals, they want to do some self-discovery, specifically with sex toys. Do you have any advice on choosing and using vibrators or dildos? 

[0:28:34] NL: Yeah, definitely. My first bit of advice, and this depends very much on where you live, but if you have access to a quality sex shop, go into the store, feel the vibrators in person. Everything I do in online marketing is an attempt at making it feel something like the experience in the sex shop. Because really, like that’s where you can feel the difference in quality between something like FUN FACTORY, which is the brand I work for. Super high-quality German-made motors versus something that’s going to be manufactured for cents on the dollar and is going to break within a few months. 

If you don’t have access to a sex shop, that’s completely fine, not everybody does, but if you have the means at all I’d say don’t focus on price as your main driver, focus on quality. There are brands that have been around for a long time and there are excellent retailers that have an online presence. The Pleasure Chest is excellent, Lovers is excellent. There’s a number of them out there that are really wonderful retailers and know what they’re talking about. They’re going to have detailed product information and I would really trust their recommendations. 

Do your research beforehand and look for brands that have a standing in the industry, not things that have popped up within the last couple of years, because there’s been a serious influx of cheap toys that are cheap, which is great for accessing them, but ultimately the quality of the materials and the quality of the vibration is just not going to be so great. One other note in terms of materials, if you’re based in the US, sex toys are not regulated in the US. There’s no FDA regulation in terms of the materials that can be used, which means they may or may not be safe for internal use. That’s how many people are using them. We’re using them in the most absorbent parts of our bodies. 

So, focus on using toys with body-safe materials, like medical grade silicone. Glass and stainless steel can also be body-safe. Those are obviously not going to include a vibration. If you’re looking at plugs or dildos, those are other materials that you can consider as well. But if you’re looking at vibrators, I’d focus on medical-grade silicone. 

[0:30:39] SJ: Awesome. Going in a little different direction. Can you explain what consent is and what it’s not? 

[0:30:46] NL: Sure. Consent is the conditional agreement to do something in that moment. There’s a lot of different acronyms that get thrown around for consent. When I was teaching consent with teenagers, that was much more common for some reason with adults, so we don’t do the acronyms as much. But freely given, which means it’s not given under duress or pressure. Reversible, which I don’t love that word. I more think that’s why I say it’s given in the moment. When you’re having that conversation, that’s the moment you’re consenting to. If things start to feel bad or weird, you can say, “You know what? Actually, I’m not feeling comfortable.” That’s not changing your mind. It’s not taking it back. It’s existing in the moment with the person that you’re consenting with. 

Informed means what you’re consenting to. If you’re consenting to one particular activity, like a blowjob. It doesn’t mean you’re consenting to anything else. Enthusiastic, meaning that it’s again freely given. Sounds like the person is there and in touch and not saying, “Sure. I guess, I don’t know.” That’s not enthusiastic. You really want those cues. This is FRIES. Freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. Okay. Oh, and informed is also like knowing someone’s status, like you’re not like going to be surprised that they have a STI positive result or that they’re married or something. It would be that you know the situation. 

I just think that consent has actually or our conversations about it have come a really, really long way in the last few years. It’s still something that we should focus on, because it’s a part of all of our engagements with people, not just sexual. This also comes into dating. It also comes into friendships. I think we have met it with a heavy hand, which was necessary for a while, but actually, consent is something we’re navigating all the time. It’s much more organic and natural than I think people sometimes consider it. For some reason we started telling this story that it was going to be scary or unsexy, but asking someone if you can kiss them is like the sexiest, unscariest thing you can do. 

I hope that people feel it’s a little bit more organic, a little bit more natural than this like blaring banner that sex educators are waving. This is already a part of your life and just something you need to practice intentionally. 

[0:33:00] SJ: Absolutely. 100%, 100% agree. We talked a little bit earlier about orgasm. Could you talk a little bit maybe about spontaneous versus responsive desire? Then maybe also a little bit about maybe how mindfulness can help improve someone’s desire. 

[0:33:22] NL: Yeah, totally. When we talk about spontaneous versus responsive desire, often we’re speaking about two buckets of like men’s experience with arousal and women’s experience with arousal. None of that is a given. As we know, like people experience things all different ways, but often we consider spontaneous desire as like all of a sudden, you’re turned on, you’re rearing and ready to go. You’re in mind, you’re in body, you’re horny, let’s do it. Versus responsive desire where you start connecting with someone, maybe you’re starting to do sexual arousal building foreplay, kissing, that kind of stuff.

Then you start feeling turned on and interested, especially mentally, like I said, a lot of times we talk about that within the bucket that many women express having more responsive desire, so they might not be just moving through the world and like tumble into a dose of horniness, but instead they’re starting to connect with someone and then or with themselves, and then start to feel that desire and horniness. Like I said, for everybody it’s different. I think using that framework, if that helps you understand where you’re at, sometimes people feel ashamed that they don’t feel turned on or horny in the same way as their partner or as people around them describe and just understanding that distinction that there’s more than one direction to arousal can be really helpful. 

As far as mindfulness, I mean it’s so tied into the embodiment stuff we talked about, just like anxiety is the number one force that interferes with us as sexual beings. It is such a prominent, prevalent force in our lives today. Some people use meditation and body scanning to just drop in and help decrease those anxieties. They can use that specifically with the intention of arousal. For me, one of the ways that I use mindfulness in my own experience is just allowing myself to tap into the sensual things around me all the time. 

I’m a very visual person, so making sure that my space is calming and identifying the things around me that are pleasing. That help me feel tapped in as a central being. That can also be out in the world, like it’s a trope, but actually stopping to admire and smell the roses. Slowing yourself down, being intentionally connected to the world around you is a big part of that mindfulness for me, because the world is so full of sensual cues, and so many things that can just get you turned on and excited. 

If you’re only locked up in your frontal lobe, thinking about the next 16 things you have to do, it’s going to be much harder to be in touch with those things. That intentional pausing for a moment, looking around what cues am I taking from the world around me, I think can really help. It feels so simple that sometimes it’s like, could that really, be it? But for me, I know that’s something that has always helped me tap in. 

[0:36:12] SJ: Awesome. Nora, thanks so much for coming on the podcast. If people want to find out more about you, more about FUN FACTORY, and the products they sell. What’s the best way for them to do that and to get in touch with you? 

[0:36:26] NL: If you come and take a visit at us, that’s you’ll be engaging with my work a lot. We also are on Instagram, funfactory is the international Instagram, and then if you’re based in the US, funfactoryusa is where you’ll find a lot of my work. These days I keep my social private, so that’s just for friends and family, but I’m happy to connect through FUN FACTORY. If you ever have questions about that, you can reach out to our customer service and I’m just one person away from there, so it’s easy to connect with me there. 

[0:36:56] SJ: Awesome, Thanks, Nora. 

[0:36:58] NL: Thank you. 

[0:37:00] SJ: One last thing before you go, if you want to hear more podcasts, just like this one, open your podcast app, search for Bad Girls Bible, and hit that subscribe button.

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