How To Explore The Swinger Lifestyle

You’re about to learn how to become a swinger, the pros/cons of swinging and whether the swinger lifestyle will be enjoyable for you!

What Is The Swinging Lifestyle?

Swinging is a type of lifestyle where two partners enjoy having sex with other people – together. This typically works when the couple finds another couple with whom they enjoy having sex.

Group sex may also be part of swinging, but it doesn’t have to be. In some situations, one member of a swinging couple may prefer to watch rather than participate.

What Is A Swinger?

Members of this lifestyle are known as swingers. Typically, we think of swingers in couples; although single swingers exist also. Single females are known as unicorns in the swinging community and are often in high demand by couples and at swinging events.

However…

Single men will usually find it harder to get an invite to swinging events or clubs.

The swinging stereotype is typically a straight couple. However, non-straight couples might be part of the swinging lifestyle, too.

What Swinging Is.. And Isn’t

AKA, isn’t swinging just cheating?

Cheating doesn’t have a single definition and that’s because while many people focus solely on the physical acts that often accompanies cheating.

The truth is…

Cheating is really about broken trust.

If you agree that you can sleep or swing with other people and abide by the rules you agree on, it can’t really be cheating.

Although, for others…

Any sexual activity outside of the relationship will count as cheating.

Related: 23 Reasons Why Women Cheat According To 268 Women

Ultimately, you need to figure out what counts as cheating for you, and make sure to talk about it with your partner. If swinging doesn’t make the list and it piques your interest, don’t let other people’s ideas about cheating ruin your fun.

The same rules usually apply to activities in other types of open relationships where sex is involved, including cuckolding, cuckqueaning, and polyamory. However, those activities aren’t the same as swinging, even though there may be some similarities.

• Cuckolding is when a woman sleeps with another man to turn on or make her male partner jealous. He may witness this in some way or simply know it’s happening. In consensual cuckolding relationships, the male partner usually gets some pleasure from the feeling of jealousy he experiences.
• Cuckqueaning is the same but with the genders reversed. The male partner sleeps with another woman to turn on or make his female partner jealous.
• Polyamory is a relationship style where someone can have more than one partner. Both people in a couple may have other partners or just one. These additional relationships can be romantic and/or sexual in nature.

Polyamory Podcast

You may want to listen to our podcast on polyamory where a reader explains how they discovered polyamory and how it benefited them.

Listen to more Bad Girls Bible podcast episodes here.

Why Do People Swing?

Some people may be looking for a way to spice up their lives or sex lives and they may simply be curious about trying new things. Others may be introduced to the lifestyle by people they know.

You can ask ten people why couples swing and get ten different answers. There’s no single reason why anyone gets into the swinging lifestyle!

How Does Swinging Work?

Before reading about how to swing, you might be curious about how these situations work.

Dealing With Jealousy In A Healthy Way

One of the first questions is whether jealousy happens in the swinger lifestyle. The answer is sometimes “Yes.” People who approach swinging from a healthy place will discuss jealousy to learn what it’s about, which you’ll read more about in a bit.

The most successful swingers also set clear boundaries with their partners and the people they swap with. These boundaries can help with jealousy and also your physical and emotional safety.

Go deeper: How To Deal With Jealousy & Not Go Crazy

Swinging Rules

Some common swinging rules include:

However, you should always discuss specific rules when you swing to avoid unwanted negatives. Do not feel pressured into lowering your standards for someone else.

Soft And Hard Swinging

An important thing to know about swinging is what hard and soft swapping means. People often divide swinging into hard swinging and soft swapping (also known as hard swapping or soft swapping).

The definition of these terms can be a little fuzzy, but the one rule that most people agree on is that soft swapping does not involve intercourse with someone else’s partner.

For many soft swapping couples, you and your new partner can still:

For many couples, only some of these activities will be acceptable during soft swapping. However, the main thing to keep in mind with soft swapping is that vaginal intercourse is only for you and your partner.

Of course, you might realize how silly it is to define soft swapping as no “sex.” Oral and manual sex are still sex. Plus, some people will be okay with anal sex but not vaginal sex when soft swinging, which makes the distinction even less sensical.

How To Start Swinging

So you think you understand why couples swing and how it could be fun and sexy, what now?

How To Get Involved In The Lifestyle

Multiple apps and websites are specific to swingers or alternative sexualities, allowing you to match with people based on your preferences. Ultimately, meeting other swinging couples through an app or website is just like doing it as a single person…

You’ll have to weed through people, including those who send a lot of dick pics, unfortunately.

Related: How to take sexy selfies and take great nude pics.

Additionally, you’ll find active swinger communities on Reddit and checking Google can help if you’re looking for local swingers groups or clubs. There may be some overlap with kinky events/clubs and swingers.

Newbie issues – Take no offense if you don’t get many bites at first. Some people may not want to play with newbies, while others may not be looking for the same thing you are. If you’re serious about swinging, paying for memberships and verifying your identity will make your search for other couples much easier. When it comes to in-person events and communities, you may need to have a connection with someone already in the community.

Swingers also like to vet people, so you may find people ask for more information about you and your partner than someone might ask a single person on Tinder, for example. This might be a good sign that the people you’re talking to are more conscientious and respectful.

Respect The Rules

Pay attention to the rules and etiquette of the event or venue. Don’t assume the same rules apply across the board, especially if you’re attending an event with different hosts and clientele.

Take Your Time

Do not feel that you have to get naked, have sex, or do anything else until you’re comfortable. If a swinger club or party makes you feel like you have to, it is not a good operation. On the other hand, rushing to take your clothing off can make others uncomfortable.

It’s all about finding the balance so that the mood stays sexy but people have a chance to stop or adjust if they want to.

Communicate Clearly

Communication is an essential part of swinging, and rushing may mean something important gets skipped. It includes discussing your own boundaries and listening to other people describe their desires and boundaries without trying to get them to change their mind. That would be coercion, which isn’t cool and could get you kicked out.

Get tips for talking about sex that can be used when exploring swinging as well as during your 1-on-1 sex life with your partner.

Use A Signal When You’re Uncomfortable

Although this falls under communication, it’s worth mentioning on its own.

Have a signal to your partner if things aren’t going well. This is kind of like safe words, which are used in BDSM, except you and your partner can regroup or even leave a situation that’s not working for you.

Discover: BDSM guide for beginners.

Practice Safe Sex

It goes without saying that safe sex is a must with swinging. But a lot of people aren’t nearly as safe as they think when it comes to sex. Condoms during PIV sex are a good first step, but you should also consider

You have to right to say “No” to or stop any sexual activity if someone isn’t respecting your safe sex demands.

Discuss It Afterward

Many people consider this swinging 101: have a postmortem discussion after your first time swinging. Talk to each other about what you liked and didn’t. Reconnect if you need to, and develop a game plan if you want to change something about your next swinging experience.

And if you decide you don’t like swinging as much as you thought? That’s okay, too!

If you’re lucky, your experience was awesome, and talking about it is a turn-on that makes you want to do it again!

Learn: How to turn a guy on fast and how to turn on your female partner quickly.

But it’s also okay if you want a postmortem after every session.

You may need to wait a bit for these talks if you need time to process, so give yourself time if you need it.

Swinging Podcast

I interviewed a swinger about how he got into the swinging lifestyle. He explained exactly how to explore it safely. More importantly, he explained why monogamy, not swinging is the right choice for many people.

Listen to more Bad Girls Bible podcast episodes here.

How Swinging Works With Another Couple

Let’s say you’ve done the groundwork, including communicating and finding the local scene. You enter the party or club.

But now what?

What do swingers do exactly to make a fantastically sexy experience happen?

Finding another couple – You’ll want to find another couple that you find attractive. Hopefully, they’ll feel the same. You’ll start chatting over drinks and perhaps share a (slow) dance. If the chemistry and mood is right, someone usually asks if the other couple wants to go back to their room or house or another room in the venue.

Getting comfortable – If everyone agrees, you’ll find yourself in a room alone, maybe feeling awkward or self-conscious. Putting on some music can help, as can having another drink. Some people ease into the sexual stuff with a sensual massage.

Start with kissing – It’s common for women to start kissing each other or for opposite-sex pairs (either the couple you came with or swapped) to start kissing while their partners watch, perhaps masturbating or touching the women.

Related: 14 orgasmic masturbation techniques for women.

This can move to manual or oral sex, and you may swap partners in between these activities. For instance, you might experience oral with a stranger but finish during PIV with the partner you came with.

Remember, you make the rules – However, there are no hard and fast rules. You may not swap at all, or two people may perform activities on someone else, too. Sometimes, swinging sex turns into an orgy where all people are involved. Activities can happen on the same bed or on different beds. Some swingers pair off and go into other rooms without watching their partner be sexual with someone else.

Issues That Make Swinging Difficult For Some

Some people love swinging and the swinger lifestyle, but it can be an awkward adjustment for others. Below are some of the common hiccups that can come with swinging.

Jealousy

Jealousy is an obvious issue that could arise if you’re thinking about the lifestyle.

It’s also possible that you can feel turned on and still experience some jealousy after swinging or even if your partner expresses a desire for it. You may be able to work through jealousy by talking it over. However, remember that jealousy typically is a secondary emotion and that something else, such as insecurity about your looks or sexual performance or a fear of losing your partner, is the real issue.

Coercion

Enjoyable swinging experiences will be consented to by all parties.

Your consent is not freely given if:

• You have no other choice or
• You’re given an ultimatum
• You feel unable to express your true desires

You can limit your consent to certain situations and revoke it whenever you choose. This includes situations where you might be okay with soft swinging and not hard swinging or vice versa.

And if your partner tries to force you into swinging, do they really respect you enough to deserve you?

Being Genuinely Monogamous

Some people just don’t see the appeal of swinging, and that’s okay! You don’t have to try swinging if you don’t want to (see above). It’s entirely normal if you only want to have sex with your partner and no one else–and if you want the same from them.

But if you’re fighting a desire to swing, consider whether you truly want be monogamous.

Expectations of Same-Sex Activity

If you look at swinging communities online, you’ll quickly see a common thread: women are often expected to engage in lesbian sex. This is great if you’re not exactly straight, but some women may still want to try swinging without having to do anything with another woman. That is always your right, and you should not have to do anything you don’t want to.

Additionally…

You should be clear about your preferences beforehand.

Past Negative Experiences

It’s possible that you might like swinging, but you haven’t had the right experience yet. Perhaps you were forced or coerced into it by an ex, but your current partner only wants you to try it out if you’re truly interested. Maybe someone ignored your lack of consent but the problem is them, not swinging. Or maybe you went to an awkward house party but would enjoy a swinger’s club–or vice versa.

If you have any interest in swinging, figure out why your past experiences went south and take steps to prevent that from happening again.

All About Swinging Lifestyle Parties And Swinging Clubs

A swinging party, sometimes known as a lifestyle party, might be hosted at a home or public or private venue. These parties are usually smaller but quieter, which some people prefer to the noisier but more populated swinger clubs. However, parties may not be successful if you have poor hosts who do not invite enough compatible people.

What Is A Swingers Club?

A swinger club can refer to a venue that might only host parties or may host a swinging night. It might also mean the group of people who organize events, and you may need to apply to join if you want to get into swinging. One benefit of clubs is that there may be more socializing and club activities than house parties, which can come with an expectation of sex that some people may find awkward or offputting.

Abide by the rules – You’ll have to abide by the rules for swinging as set by the hosts. Otherwise, you could get kicked out of the event or banned from the group or community entirely.

House parties may have fewer rules – Some people prefer less rules, but others may dislike them because they like the safety of strictly enforced rules in a swinger club. On the other hand, some house parties can have strict rules for swinging and even security like swinger clubs often do.

Is Swinging With People You Know Bad?

That really depends on the people in question. A common swinger rule that many couples follow is that people they know are off-limits. Others might have no problems swinging with friends.

You need to talk to your partner to determine what you’re comfortable with and be prepared that feelings might change later, even if your first time swinging went well. It’s similar to how people can think they want a threesome but regret it later.

Related: How to have a red-hot threesome with ZERO jealousy.

Either way, do what you feel comfortable with.

How Common Is Swinging?

According to one study, around between 0.6%-5% of Americans are currently practicing some form of polyamory which includes swinger lifestyle [1]. The same study found that between 2%-23% have ever practiced some kind of polyamory during their lifetime, which includes swinging [1].

Estimates by the Kinsey Institute and other researchers range anywhere from approximately 4 million to perhaps as many as 15 million Americans being involved in the lifestyle in the United States [2]. One pair of researchers concluded in 1964 that approximately 8 million Americans had exchanged sexual partners [3].

That’s a lot of people and ultimately swingers come from all walks of life and exist in every age range.

How To Tell If A Couple Swings

On the one hand, the only way to tell if a couple swings is if you swing with them. Of course, you could always run into a couple you know at a swinger party or ask your friends outright!

There is a less obvious sign that someone is in the lifestyle, however.

Upside-down pineapples – Upside-down pineapples have become associated with swinging, and swinging couples might use them to signal that they’re into swapping partners. They might display them on their property when hosting a swinger party. Some people might have the symbol in their homes or wear clothing or accessories depicting upside-down pineapples.

One urban legend says that placing a pineapple in your grocery cart upside down might get you an invite before you leave the store!

Other signs folks are in the lifestyle include:

• The wedding ring on the right hand
• Red ball caps
• Garden gnomes
• Metal stars on the front of the house
• Pink flamingos
• Toe or thumb ring
• Pampas grass in the garden
• Landscaping with white rocks

Of course, not everyone in the swinger lifestyle may be familiar with this symbol or want to advertise that fact. People may worry about certain social relationships if the fact that they’re in a swinger relationship gets out.

Will Swinging Fix Your Relationship

Unless the only problem in your otherwise strong relationship is that you need a little more sexuality and you both are turned on by the idea of having new partners, the answer is a resounding NO!

You should not try swinging to fix a broken relationship. That’s what therapy is for, and if it’s beyond fixing, you can always break up. But swinging isn’t the answer if someone has cheated or otherwise broken trust or if you do not have mutual respect and honest, open communication with your partner.

Thanks to this swinging for beginners guide, you hopefully understand the appeal and might be ready to dip your toe in the water. Use common sense and follow the advice above, and you can have a great time with it!